[It was a little strange to think about that there were some people out there who she could trust in battle, and thus trust her life with to a degree and yet she could barely say they were even friends. Granted Kanaya was talking about moirails here which was an even trickier subject.]
Equius and I used to be purrty good at fighting together. Don't know how well we would work these days but.
[She looked towards Kanaya and headed back her way.]
No. [The response is softer and instant. Kanaya's eyes fall to the ground too, heavy with the weight of distant memories.]
By the time we met in person... things had already ended between us. There were the Prospitan campaigns and the battle against the Black King, of course, but we didn't even take a particularly collaborative combat role in those situations.
It's been so long - I overreacted back then, I should have made things right with her, explained to her what I really felt. I've always been too afraid of the results to tell trolls the truth about things where I'm concerned, though. Bad habits die hard, huh.
[She can't think of a single relationship she hasn't messed up with her reticence. Well, a single relationship that hasn't been messed up by untimely interdimensional grubnapping, but she has to blame herself, not that - she can't blame a part of the universe that will never change. That would be like stepping off a cliff and blaming gravity. Though that doesn't mean she doesn't wish she lived on a planet where the strength of the force was more reasonable.]
{Nepeta sympathizes for Kanaya. She still has done nothing about her feelings for Karkat--feelings she had harbored for well over two sweeps now.]
It's hard not to be. There is always the fear of altering friendship which makes it difficult to weigh the risks and worth. It certainly doesn't help that we don't have much of a guiding hand in all this.
[She loved her lusus. She adored her lusus. But lusii could only do so much being a different species, and being unable to fully communicate.]
I can't say I'm much better. Vriska was the first leap of faith I really took. [A pause, wondering if the next question is too nosy.] Is there someone you do have in mind?
[If Kanaya's mood was down before, thinking about the answer to Nepeta's question sent it through the floor. There was someone she had in mind. Perhaps plural. Distinctions should have been unclear for a Space heroine like her, meant to cut through the complexities of Time divergent memories. But she had no sprite to explain to her the intricacies and unhealthiness of inversion. The memory of "There, there, sweetheart" only went so far. Unlike all other trolls, she had the opportunity to hatch a new version of her lusus and prove herself not a failure... and all other trolls had denied her that opportunity for now. She had to cling to hope until the day it was legal again.
So she reaches into her hoodie, underneath her clothes, and fishes out the key from around her neck. Still down, she ends up speaking looking at it and not her conversational partner.]
I'll give you a hint. He's dead and gone now because a little less than a sweep ago I wasn't a good enough jadeblood to keep him in mind enough.
[On some level, she recalls that gender and life status is enough for "well that narrows it down" "Shit" to happen again, but she can't really bring herself to care. Nepeta is the only person in Exsilium from whom she doesn't keep a single secret.]
[It did indeed make it clear. She was surprised to say the least--there was a pairing she had never given great consideration. Eridan...Eridan was a bit of a sore spot for Nepeta. He had been her server player during that heinous game and had quickly earned his place on the very, very short list of 'people that Nepeta dislikes'.
Yet she had had the opportunity to see what he could be like. It had upended her world when Nepeta had spoken with an Eridan--still rough around the edges, doubtless, but for once not overly condescending, self-serving, and even--amazingly enough--somewhat apologetic. Since then she had thought he just needed the right moirail.
...and Kanaya would make an excellent moirail.]
Well, one good thing that can come from being brought to different worlds as we have been is that we have that chance to start anew.
[It's. It's a tricky thing considering that Kanaya was the one who uh. Auspictised Eridan's body. Going off Kanaya's words she may have very well done that herself. Yet you could never be certain--Eridan's hands were exactly clean either (as Nepeta assumed Kanaya knew).]
[To be honest as nice as a fresh start was in theory, it was never allowed in practice, and given that, Kanaya rather wished she had not had to start from scratch. Worse than scratch, really...]
Well. Every time he looked at me he saw her. No matter how many times I argued my personal innocence I could never change that. Every overly kind word was in the voice of his killer. My fingers were the same shape of the ones on the blade. And I couldn't bear the guilt, I just wanted to fix things, I was... too nice to him, I thought he'd snap out of it and remember our prior friendship eventually and it would be him begging for my company rather than the pathetic reverse. It almost worked until I found out the truth about why he thought it was inevitable I'd want to murder him even here. And then before that argument was made up for, he left our ranks, by extension the realm of the living. I couldn't change that either.
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no subject
[It was a little strange to think about that there were some people out there who she could trust in battle, and thus trust her life with to a degree and yet she could barely say they were even friends. Granted Kanaya was talking about moirails here which was an even trickier subject.]
Equius and I used to be purrty good at fighting together. Don't know how well we would work these days but.
[She looked towards Kanaya and headed back her way.]
Did you and Vwhiskers ever do stuff like this?
no subject
By the time we met in person... things had already ended between us. There were the Prospitan campaigns and the battle against the Black King, of course, but we didn't even take a particularly collaborative combat role in those situations.
It's been so long - I overreacted back then, I should have made things right with her, explained to her what I really felt. I've always been too afraid of the results to tell trolls the truth about things where I'm concerned, though. Bad habits die hard, huh.
[She can't think of a single relationship she hasn't messed up with her reticence. Well, a single relationship that hasn't been messed up by untimely interdimensional grubnapping, but she has to blame herself, not that - she can't blame a part of the universe that will never change. That would be like stepping off a cliff and blaming gravity. Though that doesn't mean she doesn't wish she lived on a planet where the strength of the force was more reasonable.]
no subject
It's hard not to be. There is always the fear of altering friendship which makes it difficult to weigh the risks and worth. It certainly doesn't help that we don't have much of a guiding hand in all this.
[She loved her lusus. She adored her lusus. But lusii could only do so much being a different species, and being unable to fully communicate.]
I can't say I'm much better. Vriska was the first leap of faith I really took. [A pause, wondering if the next question is too nosy.] Is there someone you do have in mind?
no subject
So she reaches into her hoodie, underneath her clothes, and fishes out the key from around her neck. Still down, she ends up speaking looking at it and not her conversational partner.]
I'll give you a hint. He's dead and gone now because a little less than a sweep ago I wasn't a good enough jadeblood to keep him in mind enough.
[On some level, she recalls that gender and life status is enough for "well that narrows it down" "Shit" to happen again, but she can't really bring herself to care. Nepeta is the only person in Exsilium from whom she doesn't keep a single secret.]
no subject
Yet she had had the opportunity to see what he could be like. It had upended her world when Nepeta had spoken with an Eridan--still rough around the edges, doubtless, but for once not overly condescending, self-serving, and even--amazingly enough--somewhat apologetic. Since then she had thought he just needed the right moirail.
...and Kanaya would make an excellent moirail.]
Well, one good thing that can come from being brought to different worlds as we have been is that we have that chance to start anew.
[It's. It's a tricky thing considering that Kanaya was the one who uh. Auspictised Eridan's body. Going off Kanaya's words she may have very well done that herself. Yet you could never be certain--Eridan's hands were exactly clean either (as Nepeta assumed Kanaya knew).]
How have things been between you two here?
no subject
[To be honest as nice as a fresh start was in theory, it was never allowed in practice, and given that, Kanaya rather wished she had not had to start from scratch. Worse than scratch, really...]
Well. Every time he looked at me he saw her. No matter how many times I argued my personal innocence I could never change that. Every overly kind word was in the voice of his killer. My fingers were the same shape of the ones on the blade. And I couldn't bear the guilt, I just wanted to fix things, I was... too nice to him, I thought he'd snap out of it and remember our prior friendship eventually and it would be him begging for my company rather than the pathetic reverse. It almost worked until I found out the truth about why he thought it was inevitable I'd want to murder him even here. And then before that argument was made up for, he left our ranks, by extension the realm of the living. I couldn't change that either.
So how things were... not very good, in summary.